Mattie and I have been talking about setting up an ancestor altar since May. We're also hoping to move, so the altar was put on hold... well, since then all of this has happened:

if the embed doesn't work, please click on the link. It's a great Mia Michaels piece that was featured on So You Think You Can Dance this past season. It's about a reunion in Heaven.



And then there's this friend's blog post about his grieving process. We'll call him Avery. He recently lost a friend to suicide. I was appalled by reading what his doctor told him. (names and such have been removed and/or changed for privacy)

Doc:  Grieving should last three months, anything more is excessive and should be delt with.
Me: dr. doc is full of it!
Avery:  maybe

I was, however, even more appalled by how one of Avery's friends replied to the same blog post.

Friend:  I think the doc is right... and I said it before I read this... Love you

And my reply. I was a good girl and replied only to Avery and not the "friend".

Me:  Grief is something that should always "be delt with", but setting some arbitrary timetable is bullshit. That being said, I understand that being in a constant state of emotional and physical pain is unhealthy.

There is NO timetable for grieving. While the sense of loss and the intermittent sadness never go away completely, people experience the cycle of grief differently. Some find that within a few weeks or months, the period between waves of distress lengthens, and they are able to feel peace, renewed hope, and enjoy life more and more of the time. Others may face years of being hit with what feels like relentless waves of grief.

I still have days, even 21 years after my father's death that feel like everything happened yesterday. I believe that it is very important to set up a safe space where it is ok to grieve... this includes allowing the entire marvelous array of emotions to be felt. Ancestor altars are something that many homes have whether or not they realize it, and "ancestors" can be anyone that you feel a strong connection to. Burn a white candle next to a picture or momento and ACKNOWLEDGE that you're thinking about the person. Speak your feelings outloud. Talk to the person.

The more I think about one human being saying to another through the guise of authority that "any grieving more than three months is excessive", the more my spirit hurts and the more righteously indignant I become. I am sincerely sorry that you had such a horrible experience. Doctors and therapists and such are supposed to be allies on our paths. They are supposed to help us validate our own emotions and work through them. They are supposed to help give us better coping strategies.

Grr. I wish we had more time together. I love you.




I just don't understand how people can be so willfully choking and squashing when it comes to emotions. *sigh* And how do we encourage unhealthy friendships?! Am I being too harsh? Shouldn't friends encourage us on our paths as well? Aren't we all here to help one another? grr.

location: home mood: creative music: flash gordon tags: dad, grief, ponderings, ugh